*GASP* Such a controversial title, I know. But before I explain, I just want to put it out there that I have such a burning desire to write about what's currently happening with the Republican Tea Party members. It will most certainly be my next post - because I think, as an American, it is part of my duty to point out the regression of adult behaviors as of late. For lack of a better word, it is appalling.
But more on that later.
For now, I shall recant the story of the Demon Child - which spans over a few months, so it may be somewhat lengthy (I'll apologize early).
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As I write this, I'm listening to music on my brand new high-falluten' BlackBerry Bold. This is music that was on my old BlackBerry that, ever since the Gin & Tonic incident of Shinedown, I was unable to access.
Let's start with the Gin & Tonic incident. It's my typical go-to libation when wine doesn't seem fitting. I had bought tickets for myself and the beau to a Shinedown concert and we joined up with a few friends at a cramped table with dollhouse proportioned chairs. At some point in the night (during the THREE opening acts who each took an HOUR!! *sigh*), somebody at the table spilled G&T on my phone. Oops. Accidents happen... it didn't sizzle in a catastrophic display of shrieking motherboards, but the track ball simply refused to depress properly when the liquid finally dried in a few hours.
Ok. Fine. I can deal with that. To their credit, BlackBerry equips their phones with multiple ways to accomplish a task. To select something, I pressed the enter button - I acclimated quickly. But shortly thereafter, the track ball wouldn't navigate down. That was a little more debilitating. I could open the menu, but I couldn't select any feature below the top line of items. Drat. Even on the few occasions I could wrestle it down to choose my music or my pictures, good luck scrolling through to find what you were looking for!
My contract with T-Mobile was due to expire May 31, 2010. When this happened back in September(ish?), I resolved myself to suck it up and push through. Having My Mini on Verizon, it just seemed prudent to switch the phone over and consolidate when I wouldn't incur any termination fees.
Ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha ha... oh so funny.
I stuck it out for a long time. I even let the phone act out its tantrums (not unlike the GOP - OH SNAP!) and wait for it to return to its regular BlackBerry functionality. Case in point. One evening about a month ago, I was with a group of friends at one of our favorite Irish pubs attempting to text the beau. Perhaps it was resentful I hadn't supplied it with more G&T, but every time I would open an SMS message to craft, I would enter one character and the phone would automatically send. Question mark?
For example: "Sorry, I don't know what's up with my phone... call you tomorrow" became... "A" or, if I got lucky, "So."
I would literally open a message only to have it send before I could write anything. But the next morning it was fine. I chocked it up to the phone being in it's old age and having either a senile moment or a dive back into a childish temper tantrum (insert Tea Party joke here). For the next month it was, um... manageable. Make it to May... Make it to May... Make it to May...
And then there was this Friday. At the same pub, with a slightly larger group of friends, I set my phone on the table - maybe my subconscious was prompting me... not sure. The screen was dark - and then... suddenly! From no where, it lights up and begins dialing 411. By itself! I let out a less than lady-like expletive and hollered at everyone to watch. I disconnected the call and it did it again! Within seconds! We went back and forth, BlackBerry and I... back and forth. Until it seemed to calm down. It went to bed, black and quiet. But twenty minutes later we all gaped open-mouthed when it started sending blank texts (to lord only knows... SORRY... I couldn't stop it to view my outbox).
It became the paranormal tour de force phone. Or, a big fat pain in the...
I took the battery out for the remainder of the evening and popped it in only on the drive home, when I took the opportunity to call the beau. The conversation went fairly smoothly until I noticed "boop BOOP" *pause* "BOOP boop" "boop BOOP" *pause* "BOOP boop."
"Do you hear that?" (Sound occurring simultaneously in the background)
"No, what?"
"That noise.. the beeping."
"The whatting? You cut out."
"The beeping."
I checked my screen and discovered the phone had decided it'd be funny to mute and un-mute my conversation in rapid succession. BECAUSE IT'S THE SPAWN OF SATAN.
When I could manage, I told the beau that I'd just have to call him tomorrow, after I went to the store and fixed this craptastic behavior. You have no clue how much restraint I had to exert. That phone should have been dropped three stories onto the jagged rocks below my bedroom window - or hurled wildly onto my wall - or driven over by my car. Because, remember, when an object is "controlled by or as if by a spirit or other force," it is POSSESSED!
It seemed to be ok in the morning... and I spent a fair amount of time on the phone with my sister. But when I met some friends for lunch, I got a text message.
"My birthday was last month."
?.... I called the sender. "I'm so sorry... did my phone send you something weird?"
"Uh, no, but it sent me a birthday text..."
My phone was continuing to operate unbeknownst to me - sending errant birthday messages with no rhyme or reason behind my back. Later, trying on gorgeous dresses that a) I have no function to wear them to and b) would have bankrupted me in one fell swoop, the phone started sending the beau blank pictures in blocks of three or five.
That was the last straw. I yanked the battery out, stuffed the pieces into my bag, and hightailed it to the T-Mobile store. My first words to the poor rep were:
"I need help. My phone is possessed." After a quick rundown of its crazy poltergeist tendencies, I put the battery back in and let it do its thing. It didn't disappoint.
And that is how (oh, that and a $500 credit I'd somehow racked up with T-Mobile) I have come to own the new BlackBerry Bold. Which is beautiful. And riddled with more bells and whistles than I need. But more importantly, it isn't BEELZEBUB'S OFFSPRING.
Oh - P.S. I pulled the vid from YouTube. That is not me... not my voice... not my phone... but it did illustrate pretty well what my phone was doing. It's slower than my phone, but - hey. At least you got a visual.
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