Of the Gattuso Varietal

Note to Reader: To further prove I am, indeed, writing this with an eye patch on, I'm not going to edit it with a fine tooth comb. You may find errors. They're semi-intentional. Seriously. Let's see how you type with one eye. One craptastic-vision, kerataconus-beleaguered, astigmitized eye.

If you've been following my blog for a while, you know that back in June or July of last year my eyes were dubbed "The Most Diseased in the Land." Ok, so it wasn't quite like that, but I was diagnosed with Giant Papillary Conjunctivitus in both eyes and a touch of Kerataconus in my left eye. Google'em. I dare you. From then on, I went back every two weaks or so to monitor the application of the Killer Eye Drops of Death and grimace as the doctor non-chalantly commented that, "Nope... not much improvement at all." About a month or two later, I noticed a little bump on my eye... a stye, or sty, or - however you spell it, it was basically a little nodule on my eyelid. Not that bad at first, but it didn't seem to go away. In fact, this pesky little barnacle GREW! I tried a hot compress several times, but it didn't seem to go away. So my doc scheduled me for a procedure to remove it.

"It's a tiny little procedure, won't take more than 10 minutes or so."

To fast forward, what follows is a stream of realizations that occured between walking in the door and this point now - the point at which I've realized I hop on a plane tomorrow evening, and will have to pack a bag with one eye. Arrrggg.

I'm probably over-engineering this in my head... this'll be nothing.
I wonder what my eye patch will look like.
Should have taken Sarah L. up on her offer to bedazzle an eye patch. Would have been awesome...
Dang, they called my name already? They must have been serious about this.
Nicest tech ever...
Why must we check my vision every time? I know it's bad, you know it's bad... let's just call it bad and skip that point until I'm actually fitted for lenses.
Do you not take notes? These same questions have been asked at every single session I've had. No. I have not developed any allergy to medicines in the past month.
Well, that was fast I guess. Out of one chair and down the long hallway.
Pretty quiet back here... ooo - that's a big room.
I swear, that's a dentist's chair {instant discomfort).
Yes, the room is imposing, but the tech is nice, and I have to take off my glasses... well, who didn't see that coming. THey are slicing into my eye lid.
Well, the chair's not too uncomfortable.
Sad. Three feet away from the cabinets labeled by contents and I can't read crap.
Oh my. You're actually going to put a surgical cap on my head? It doesn't matter if it has butterflies on it, I can't see them from this distance anyway.
Aaaand back we go. Inverted.... head lower than my feet. Weird.
Fine time to look up and realize that with my brown pants, black top and black shoes, I chose blue socks. Good thing my pants are revealing that fact.
Oh. My. God. I've been like this for 35 minutes.
Numbing drops in both eyes, iodine in the right eye... stingy.
No techs in the room and my eyes ITCH and are STINGING and are WATERING. And I can't touch it because I've been disinfected.
Thank goodness, Rob, the nice tech, notices my discomfort and puts more numbing drops in my right eye. Thank goodness! Instant relief.
He turns the light off when he goes to grab the doctor. Ahh... much better.
Aaand the doctor arrives (at 5).
Big circle of light is jockeyed into position of my eye. I think I understand what Johnny Cash was referring to... after a few blinks, it looks like someone drew on the underside of my lids with a spirograph.
Awww I get a hand holder... that's cute...
You're going to put my eye in a clamp? That sounds delightful...
So the anesthetic will pinch and hurt a bit? But stifle the impulse to jump? Ok, doesn't sound so bad...
Pinch. Meh. That's nothing.
JESUS BURNING FIRE IN MY EYE! GET IT OUT! IT'S KILLING MY EYE! LIQUID LAVA! WHEN WILL IT END????
Katie's hand must be crushed...
Oh lord, I think the needle's out now. THANK GOD.
ONE MORE? You're kidding, right?
DEFINITELY NOT KIDDING!!!! OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD... Uncle.
Not jumping is fairly tiring. I'm noticing that I'm actually tired from shivering and clenching.
Pressure on the eyelid, though I can't see anything.
Doc says he's already got most of the {can't remember the exact word - debris, obstruction, goop, gunk?} out.
Seriously? That was like 5 minutes of fire and 5 seconds of scooping. Ridiculous.
More numbing drops...
Bye Katie... Seriously. Thanks. You're job is underrated.
The pressure pack Rob is putting on is white and decidedly un-piratey. That sucks. People are going to be somewhat disappointed. We talked in pirate all day at work today.
Keep it on all night, ointment in the a.m., no aspirin. Uh, ok.
I have to see the doc in a week? Ugggghhh.
I want something happy. Something comforting.
WINE.
Oh I want a glass of wine so bad I can taste it.
I should probably check with the receptionist - she didn't hear the doc say no wine, right?
Damn it. Wine is technically a blood thinner. Same as aspirin. Damn. Damn. Damn.
There's the ride...
Please don't laugh at me... please don't laugh at me...
Whew - no laughing. And he'll even take me to Jack in the Box to eat fat fat fatty food since I can't enjoy a simple glass of wine. If anything, that stuff should conjeal the blood. That's... good... right?
Traffic isn't that bad. Shocking.
Aand home.
Amazing cheeseburger and french fries. Amazing.
Damn it - I have to pack a bag for my flight to visit the beau tomorrow. With one eye. And no glasses. This should be interesting...

There you have it, dear reader (all 3 of you)... Sadly, it's not a pirate eye patch. Sarah really did offer to bedazzle/bejewel an eye patch and send it my way. Which was very generous. And now, I wish I'd taken her up on it. This pressure pack is white, and has the stickiest tape known to man. It's very 21st century. It's the iPatch of eye patches.

And there's no word yet on whether the GPC has regressed, or whether the Keretaconus has stopped progresing. But I suppose I can always ask next week.

P.S. The good news is I can take this off tomorrow a.m. ANd the iodine on my face will wash off. Thank goodness. Because I'm pretty sure the flight attendants might hesitate before serving a drink to someone who already looks like they've made some bad decisions.

P.P.S. Wow... I haven't incorporated this many tags onto one post... ever... I think...